“Human being, vegetables or cosmic dust, we all dance to an invisible tune, intoned in the distance by a mysterious player.”
By Maria Popova
We are accidents of biochemistry and chance, moving through the world waging wars and writing poems, spellbound by the seductive illusion of the self, every single one of our atoms traceable to some dead star.
In the interlude between the two World Wars, days after the stock market crash that sparked the Great Depression, the German-American poet and future Nazi sympathizer George Sylvester Viereck sat down with Albert Einstein (March 14, 1879–April 18, 1955) for what became his most extensive interview about life — reflections ranging from science to spirituality to the elemental questions of existence. It was published in the Saturday Evening Post on October 29, 1929 — a quarter century after Einstein’s theory of relativity reconfigured our basic understanding of reality with its revelation that space and time are the warp and weft threads of a single fabric, along the curvature of which everything we are and everything we know is gliding.
Albert Einstein by Lotte Jacobi. (University of New Hampshire Museum of Art.)
Considering the helplessness individual human beings feel before the immense geopolitical forces that had hurled the world into its first global war and the decisions individual political leaders were making — decisions already inclining the world toward a second — Einstein aims in his sensitive intellect at the fundamental reality of existence:
“I am a determinist. As such, I do not believe in free will. The Jews believe in free will. They believe that man shapes his own life. I reject that doctrine philosophically. In that respect I am not a Jew… I believe with Schopenhauer: We can do what we wish, but we can only wish what we must. Practically, I am, nevertheless, compelled to act is if freedom of the will existed. If I wish to live in a civilized community, I must act as if man is a responsible being.”
When asked about any personal responsibility for his own staggering achievements, he points a steadfast finger at the nonexistence of free will:
“I claim credit for nothing. Everything is determined, the beginning as well as the end, by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect as well as for the star. Human being, vegetables or cosmic dust, we all dance to an invisible tune, intoned in the distance by a mysterious player.”
For Einstein, the most alive part of the mystery we live with — the mystery we are — is the imagination, that supreme redemption of human life from the prison of determinism. With an eye to his discovery of relativity, he reflects:
“I believe in intuitions and inspirations. I sometimes feel that I am right. I do not know that I am. When two expeditions of scientists, funded by the Royal Academy, went forth to test my theory of relativity, I was convinced that their conclusions would totally tally with my hypothesis. I was not surprised when the eclipse of May 29, 1919, confirmed my intuitions. I would have been surprised if I had been wrong.”
[…]
I am enough of an artist to draw freely from the imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.
There is unavoidable emotional pain when those we care about are threatened or suffer.
Most of our stresses and upsets come from needless suffering that we cause ourselves, which is the opposite of being at peace.
Strengthen neural networks in the brain that support spacious mindfulness, staying in the present, and taking life less personally.
Humans are an empathic, compassionate, and loving species, so it is natural to feel sad, worried, or fiery about the troubles and pain of other people. (And about those of cats and dogs and other animals, but I’ll focus on human beings here.)
Unavoidable Physical and Emotional Pain
Long ago, the Buddha spoke of the “first dart” of unavoidable physical pain. Given our hardwired nature as social beings, when those we care about are threatened or suffer, there is another kind of first dart: unavoidable emotional pain.
For example, if you heard about people who go to bed hungry—as a billion of us do each night—of course, your heart would be moved. I’m usually a pretty calm guy, but when I visited Haiti, I was in a cold rage at the appalling conditions in which most people there lived. On a lesser scale but still real, a friend’s son has just started college and is calling home to tell his mom how lonely and miserable he feels; of course, she’s worried and upset.
Needless Suffering That We Cause Ourselves
But then—as the Buddha continued with his metaphor—there is the seconddarts we throw ourselves: rehashing past events, writing angry mental emails in the middle of the night, anxious rumination, thinking you’re responsible when you’re not, feeling flooded or overwhelmed or drained, getting sucked into conflicts between others, etc., etc. Most of our stresses and upsets come from these second darts: needless suffering that we cause ourselves—the opposite of being at peace.
Our second darts also get in the way of making things better. You’ve probably had the experience of talking with someone about something painful to you. Still, this person was so rattled by your pain that he or she couldn’t just listen and had to give you advice, say you were making a big deal out of nothing, or jump out of the conversation, or even blame you for your own pain!
In other words, when others are not at peace with our pain, they have a hard time being open, compassionate, supportive, and helpful with it. And the reverse is true when we are not at peace with the pain of others.
So, how do you do it? How do you find that sweet spot in which you are open, caring, and brave enough to let others land in your heart…while also staying balanced, centered, and at peace in your core?
The Practice
Keep a warm heart.
Let the pain of the other person wash through you. Don’t resist it. Opening your heart, finding compassion—the sincere wish that a being not suffer—will lift and fuel you to bear the other’s pain. We long to feel received by others; turn it around: Your openness to another person, your willingness to be moved, is one of the greatest gifts you can offer.
To sustain this openness, it helps to have a sense of your own body. Tune into breathing and steady the sense of being here with the other person’s issues and distress over there.
Have a heart for yourself as well. It’s often hard to bear the pain of others, especially if you feel helpless to do anything about it. It’s OK if your response is not perfect. When you know your heart is sincere, you don’t have to prove yourself to others. Know that you are truly a good person; you are, really, warts and all, and knowing this fact will help you stay authentically open to others.
Do what you can.
Nkosi Johnson was born in South Africa with HIV in 1989, and he died 12 years later—after becoming a national advocate for people with HIV/AIDS. I think often of something he said, paraphrased slightly here: “Do what you can, with what you’ve been given, in the place where you are, with the time that you have.”
Do what you can—and know that you have done it, which brings a feeling of peace. And then, face the facts of your limitations—another source of peace. One of the hardest things for me—and most parents—is to feel keenly the struggles and pain of my kids…and know that there is nothing I can do about it. That’s the first dart, for sure. But when I think that I have more influence than I actually do and start giving my dad-ish advice and getting all invested in the result, second darts start landing on me— and on others.
See the big picture.
Whatever the pain of another person happens to be—perhaps due to illness, family quarrel, poverty, aging, depression, stressful job, worry about a child, disappointment in love, or the devastation of war—it is made up of many parts (emotions, sensations, thoughts, etc.) that are the result of a vast web of causes.
When you recognize this truth, it is strangely calming. You still care about the other person, and you do what you can, but you see that this pain and its causes are a tiny part of a larger and mostly impersonal whole.
This recognition of the whole—the whole of one person’s life, of the past emerging into the present, of the natural world, of physical reality altogether—tends to settle down the neural networks in the top middle of the brain that ruminate and agitate. It also tends to activate and strengthen neural networks on the sides of the brain that support spacious mindfulness, staying in the present, taking life less personally—and a growing sense of peace.
About the Author
Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a senior fellow of the Greater Good Center at UC Berkeley.
Sometimes we just have to do it when we’re overmatched by our internal struggles and need a trusted ear to vent the pressure. It makes sense to find a release valve. Life demands it from time to time.
We have free will to choose our audience but free will brings responsibility. Responsibility to make thoughtful judgement on who we’re sharing with, and the responsibility to respect others who are part of our story. The decision to share details of our personal life or life decisions with other people should not be taken lightly. That said, qualified, fully trained licensed therapists, operating in a controlled environment, offer us a safe place when we need help to move ahead. They have saved many of us from thoughtless decisions and impulsive behavior.
The risk of opening up outside of that structured professional therapeutic relationship is dangerous and fraught with red flags. Personal bias, preexisting resentments, or bitterness, any documented history of past mental instability or illness, and of course, the lack of any professional credentials.
There’s lots of people out there who mean well when a friend comes to lean on them or vent some steam. The best are those who always listen, but politely decline guidance, presumption of facts, or blind support. Most people are not like that. Caution flags for every one else.
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” – Dalai Lama
Adapted from https://zenhabits.net/25-ways-to-help-a-fellow-human-being-today/
Too often the trend in our society is for people to be separated from each other, to be cut off from the great mass of humanity, and in doing so to be dehumanized a little bit more with each step.
Cars have taken us off the streets, where we used to greet each other and stop to chat. Cubicles have taken away a bit of the humanity in working, as have factories and even computers to some extent. Television has planted us firmly in our living rooms, instead of out with other people. Even movie theaters, where many people get together, cut us off from true conversation because we’re staring at a big screen.
What we must guard against is the tendency of that individuality to have us focused on ourselves to the exclusion of our fellow human beings. The tendency towards selfishness rather than giving, on helping ourselves rather than helping our brothers and sisters in humanity.
So strike back against the selfishness and greed of our modern world, and help out a fellow human being today. Not next month, but today.
Helping a fellow human being has a few humble advantages:
It makes you feel better about yourself;
It connects you with another person, at least for a moment, if not for life;
It improves the life of another, at least a little;
It makes the world a better place, one little step at a time;
And if that kindness is passed on, it can multiply, and multipy.
So take just a few minutes today, and do a kindness for another person. It can be something small, or the start of something big. Ask them to pay it forward. Put a smile on someone’s face.
Don’t know where to start? Here’s an extremely incomplete list, just to get you thinking — I’m sure you can come up with thousands more if you think about it.
Smile and be friendly. Sometimes a simple little thing like this can put a smile and warm feeling in someone else’s heart, and make their day a little better. They might then do the same for others.
Call a charity to volunteer. You don’t have to go to a soup kitchen today. Just look up the number, make the call, and make an appointment to volunteer sometime in the next month. It can be whatever charity you like. Volunteering is one of the most amazing things you can do.
Donate something you don’t use. Or a whole box of somethings. Drop them off at a charity — others can put your clutter to good use.
Make a donation. There are lots of ways to donate to charities online, or in your local community. Instead of buying yourself a new gadget or outfit, spend that money in a more positive way.
Redirect gifts. Instead of having people give you birthday or Christmas gifts, ask them to donate gifts or money to a certain charity.
Stop to help. The next time you see someone pulled over with a flat tire, or somehow in need of help, stop and ask how you can help. Sometimes all they need is a push, or the use of your cell phone.
Teach. Take the time to teach someone a skill you know. This could be teaching your grandma to use email, teaching your child to ride a bike, teaching your co-worker a valuable computer skill, teaching your spouse how to clean the darn toilet. OK, that last one doesn’t count.
Comfort someone in grief. Often a hug, a helpful hand, a kind word, a listening ear, will go a long way when someone has lost a loved one or suffered some similar loss or tragedy.
Help them take action. If someone in grief seems to be lost and doesn’t know what to do, help them do something. It could be making funeral arrangements, it could be making a doctor’s appointment, it could be making phone calls. Don’t do it all yourself — let them take action too, because it helps in the healing process.
Buy food for a homeless person. Cash is often a bad idea if it’s going to be used for drugs, but buying a sandwich and chips or something like that is a good gesture. Be respectful and friendly.
Lend your ear. Often someone who is sad, depressed, angry, or frustrated just needs someone who will listen. Venting and talking through an issue is a huge help.
Help someone on the edge. If someone is suicidal, urge them to get help. If they don’t, call a suicide hotline or doctor yourself to get advice.
Help someone get active. A person in your life who wants to get healthy might need a helping hand — offer to go walking or running together, to join a gym together. Once they get started, it can have profound effects.
Do a chore. Something small or big, like cleaning up or washing a car or doing the dishes or cutting a lawn.
Give a massage. Only when appropriate of course. But a massage can go a long way to making someone feel better.
Send a nice email. Just a quick note telling someone how much you appreciate them, or how proud you are of them, or just saying thank you for something they did.
Show appreciation, publicly. Praising someone on a blog, in front of coworkers, in front of family, or in some other public way, is a great way to make them feel better about themselves.
Donate food. Clean out your cupboard of canned goods, or buy a couple bags of groceries, and donate them to a homeless shelter.
Just be there. When someone you know is in need, sometimes it’s just good to be there. Sit with them. Talk. Help out if you can.
Be patient. Sometimes people can have difficulty understanding things, or learning to do something right. Learn to be patient with them.
Tutor a child. This might be difficult to do today, but often parents can’t afford to hire a tutor for their child in need of help. Call a school and volunteer your tutoring services.
Create a care package. Soup, reading material, tea, chocolate … anything you think the person might need or enjoy. Good for someone who is sick or otherwise in need of a pick-me-up.
Lend your voice. Often the powerless, the homeless, the neglected in our world need someone to speak up for them. You don’t have to take on that cause by yourself, but join others in signing a petition, speaking up a a council meeting, writing letters, and otherwise making a need heard.
Offer to babysit. Sometimes parents need a break. If a friend or other loved one in your life doesn’t get that chance very often, call them and offer to babysit sometime. Set up an appointment. It can make a big difference.
Love. Simply finding ways to express your love to others, whether it be your partner, child, other family member, friend, co-worker, or a complete stranger … just express your love. A hug, a kind word, spending time, showing little kindnesses, being friendly … it all matters more than you know.
How far that little candle throws his beams!
So shines a good deed in a weary world. – William Shakespeare
Much ink has been spilled on the importance of communication in romantic relationships. For instance, the benefits of using “I statements”, the importance of talking about one’s feelings, or trying to avoid using accusing or criticizing language. All of the above are positive, and I promote their use wholeheartedly. But there is, however, a subtler element to communication that does not seem to benefit from as much attention. An ingredient so important that without it, ‘communication’ would simply be ‘speaking’. The key element is listening.
At first glance, listening appears rather simple, and we all do it, right? Sit back, relax, and just hear the words exiting your partner’s mouth. But such a description would likely suit ‘hearing’ better than listening. In reality, listening is more complex, and certainly more challenging. But the good news is that knowledge and practice can lead to a significant improvement in our ability to truly tune into one another, and the payoffs are plentiful.
Listening entails much more than merely hearing a partner’s spoken words. In a 2003 study on communication in relationships, researcher Faye Doell drew attention to a key distinction, namely the difference between listening to understand and listening to respond, concluding that the former led to greater relationship satisfaction. And this distinction highlights one of the central elements of listening: understanding. Here are five strategies to help you along in your quest to become better listeners and as a result, most likely better partners, (and while you’re at it, better parents, family members and friends…)
Don’t make it about you. How many times are we engaged in conversations and all we want to do is give our opinion? Fix things? Defend ourselves? Listening is mainly about the other. It is about putting your needs, your opinions, your hurts aside temporarily and creating space and attention for the other to speak, to laugh, to cry, to explore – to just be. By being supportive and encouraging of this space, we are creating safety and freedom for our partners, as if saying to them: “You can say and feel what you need to say and feel right now. I can create that space for you.” Putting your partner first can be hard, especially if what they’re talking about is triggering or hurtful. Keep in mind that you don’t need to agree with your partner, or even like what they have to say. But being in listening mode is not the time to share your side of the story. (Don’t worry, you’ll get your turn… see below.)
Tune into their world. If you need to, take the time to actively prepare yourself to tune into your partner’s world. This can look like a brief solo-pep talk, or even a grounding ritual that can help you clear out your own agenda and focus on the other. Immerse yourself in your partner, turning their words and non-verbals into a narrative of a movie or book of their experience.
Strive to understand. As the listener, your first responsibility is to try to understand the position or experience of the other. Therefore, if what you’re getting isn’t clear, then ask clarifying questions to get the full picture. Steer clear of judgment and opinion, (which tend to be more about you than about your partner) and instead focus more on expressing interest and curiosity. This is your partner after all – would you not want to acquire a greater understanding of what they’re experiencing? Learn more about what makes them tick? Discover how they’ve evolved? Beyond being supportive in listening, acquiring a more profound knowledge of your partner deepens intimacy – one of the greatest antidotes to relational strife.
Take turns. Take a few deep breaths if you need to, and keep in mind that it is crucial for both partners to get a shot at expressing themselves and be listened to. Your turn may not be in 5 minutes, it may not be until after your partner’s finished their part. In fact, if you don’t feel the need to share your part, you may not even need to take your turn… this time. But be sure to get your turn next time around, or when something comes up for you and you will feel the need to express yourself. It’s only fair that if you provide that support to your partner, that they return the favour. So hang tight.
Don’t try to fix. Validate instead. Although good intentions may underlie attempts to fix, it is best used when solicited, as fixing often overshadows a partner’s experience and fast-tracks the discussion to the solution stage. Bombarding the other with suggestions and recommendations may appear caring & helpful, but it can also be received as “how is it that you haven’t thought of this?” Ultimately, as social creatures, what we often need above all else is to be heard, to be held, and to know that we are not alone. And therefore, validating our partner’s experience can go very far in providing such supports.
When working with clients, it never ceases to amaze me how many relationships have benefitted by simply applying some of the techniques listed here. As discussed above, part of the reason for this is that we acquire a greater understanding of one another, which is extremely important. But there are two more critical benefits that listening provides, often hidden from view. For one, in itself, being listened to deeply is calming and it can act as a dependable stress-reliever. Second, and more importantly, recognizing that our partner can reliably listen to us and be there for us significantly improves trust, the granddaddy of all relationship needs. So much so that renowned couples’ clinician and researcher Dr. John Gottman reported that the most significant predictor of healthy long-term relationships is reflected by the feeling that “I can trust that you will be there for me if I need you”.
So go out there, get your partner. Sit them down and let them tell you about them.
