“Even when he was unable to reach the ideals of personal growth, by either his own vices or by circumstance, he was constantly able to improve by means of practice. And, in the end, isn’t that what matters?”
At the ripe old age of twenty, Benjamin Franklin set out to make himself morally perfect. Having studied the ancient philosophers and their ideas of the virtues required to be an ideal man, he created his own list of thirteen virtues. Like the virtue ethicists of the ancient past and more modern times, Franklin sought to develop his entire character rather than focus on the question of how to act in a certain situation. His hope being that with the perfection of his character, he would never again have to ask how to act, as he would simply act as a virtuous person would by habit. Never again would he commit a fault at any time, he thought.
There is unavoidable emotional pain when those we care about are threatened or suffer.
Most of our stresses and upsets come from needless suffering that we cause ourselves, which is the opposite of being at peace.
Strengthen neural networks in the brain that support spacious mindfulness, staying in the present, and taking life less personally.
Humans are an empathic, compassionate, and loving species, so it is natural to feel sad, worried, or fiery about the troubles and pain of other people. (And about those of cats and dogs and other animals, but I’ll focus on human beings here.)
Unavoidable Physical and Emotional Pain
Long ago, the Buddha spoke of the “first dart” of unavoidable physical pain. Given our hardwired nature as social beings, when those we care about are threatened or suffer, there is another kind of first dart: unavoidable emotional pain.
For example, if you heard about people who go to bed hungry—as a billion of us do each night—of course, your heart would be moved. I’m usually a pretty calm guy, but when I visited Haiti, I was in a cold rage at the appalling conditions in which most people there lived. On a lesser scale but still real, a friend’s son has just started college and is calling home to tell his mom how lonely and miserable he feels; of course, she’s worried and upset.
Needless Suffering That We Cause Ourselves
But then—as the Buddha continued with his metaphor—there is the seconddarts we throw ourselves: rehashing past events, writing angry mental emails in the middle of the night, anxious rumination, thinking you’re responsible when you’re not, feeling flooded or overwhelmed or drained, getting sucked into conflicts between others, etc., etc. Most of our stresses and upsets come from these second darts: needless suffering that we cause ourselves—the opposite of being at peace.
Our second darts also get in the way of making things better. You’ve probably had the experience of talking with someone about something painful to you. Still, this person was so rattled by your pain that he or she couldn’t just listen and had to give you advice, say you were making a big deal out of nothing, or jump out of the conversation, or even blame you for your own pain!
In other words, when others are not at peace with our pain, they have a hard time being open, compassionate, supportive, and helpful with it. And the reverse is true when we are not at peace with the pain of others.
So, how do you do it? How do you find that sweet spot in which you are open, caring, and brave enough to let others land in your heart…while also staying balanced, centered, and at peace in your core?
The Practice
Keep a warm heart.
Let the pain of the other person wash through you. Don’t resist it. Opening your heart, finding compassion—the sincere wish that a being not suffer—will lift and fuel you to bear the other’s pain. We long to feel received by others; turn it around: Your openness to another person, your willingness to be moved, is one of the greatest gifts you can offer.
To sustain this openness, it helps to have a sense of your own body. Tune into breathing and steady the sense of being here with the other person’s issues and distress over there.
Have a heart for yourself as well. It’s often hard to bear the pain of others, especially if you feel helpless to do anything about it. It’s OK if your response is not perfect. When you know your heart is sincere, you don’t have to prove yourself to others. Know that you are truly a good person; you are, really, warts and all, and knowing this fact will help you stay authentically open to others.
Do what you can.
Nkosi Johnson was born in South Africa with HIV in 1989, and he died 12 years later—after becoming a national advocate for people with HIV/AIDS. I think often of something he said, paraphrased slightly here: “Do what you can, with what you’ve been given, in the place where you are, with the time that you have.”
Do what you can—and know that you have done it, which brings a feeling of peace. And then, face the facts of your limitations—another source of peace. One of the hardest things for me—and most parents—is to feel keenly the struggles and pain of my kids…and know that there is nothing I can do about it. That’s the first dart, for sure. But when I think that I have more influence than I actually do and start giving my dad-ish advice and getting all invested in the result, second darts start landing on me— and on others.
See the big picture.
Whatever the pain of another person happens to be—perhaps due to illness, family quarrel, poverty, aging, depression, stressful job, worry about a child, disappointment in love, or the devastation of war—it is made up of many parts (emotions, sensations, thoughts, etc.) that are the result of a vast web of causes.
When you recognize this truth, it is strangely calming. You still care about the other person, and you do what you can, but you see that this pain and its causes are a tiny part of a larger and mostly impersonal whole.
This recognition of the whole—the whole of one person’s life, of the past emerging into the present, of the natural world, of physical reality altogether—tends to settle down the neural networks in the top middle of the brain that ruminate and agitate. It also tends to activate and strengthen neural networks on the sides of the brain that support spacious mindfulness, staying in the present, taking life less personally—and a growing sense of peace.
About the Author
Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a senior fellow of the Greater Good Center at UC Berkeley.
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” – Dalai Lama
Adapted from https://zenhabits.net/25-ways-to-help-a-fellow-human-being-today/
Too often the trend in our society is for people to be separated from each other, to be cut off from the great mass of humanity, and in doing so to be dehumanized a little bit more with each step.
Cars have taken us off the streets, where we used to greet each other and stop to chat. Cubicles have taken away a bit of the humanity in working, as have factories and even computers to some extent. Television has planted us firmly in our living rooms, instead of out with other people. Even movie theaters, where many people get together, cut us off from true conversation because we’re staring at a big screen.
What we must guard against is the tendency of that individuality to have us focused on ourselves to the exclusion of our fellow human beings. The tendency towards selfishness rather than giving, on helping ourselves rather than helping our brothers and sisters in humanity.
So strike back against the selfishness and greed of our modern world, and help out a fellow human being today. Not next month, but today.
Helping a fellow human being has a few humble advantages:
It makes you feel better about yourself;
It connects you with another person, at least for a moment, if not for life;
It improves the life of another, at least a little;
It makes the world a better place, one little step at a time;
And if that kindness is passed on, it can multiply, and multipy.
So take just a few minutes today, and do a kindness for another person. It can be something small, or the start of something big. Ask them to pay it forward. Put a smile on someone’s face.
Don’t know where to start? Here’s an extremely incomplete list, just to get you thinking — I’m sure you can come up with thousands more if you think about it.
Smile and be friendly. Sometimes a simple little thing like this can put a smile and warm feeling in someone else’s heart, and make their day a little better. They might then do the same for others.
Call a charity to volunteer. You don’t have to go to a soup kitchen today. Just look up the number, make the call, and make an appointment to volunteer sometime in the next month. It can be whatever charity you like. Volunteering is one of the most amazing things you can do.
Donate something you don’t use. Or a whole box of somethings. Drop them off at a charity — others can put your clutter to good use.
Make a donation. There are lots of ways to donate to charities online, or in your local community. Instead of buying yourself a new gadget or outfit, spend that money in a more positive way.
Redirect gifts. Instead of having people give you birthday or Christmas gifts, ask them to donate gifts or money to a certain charity.
Stop to help. The next time you see someone pulled over with a flat tire, or somehow in need of help, stop and ask how you can help. Sometimes all they need is a push, or the use of your cell phone.
Teach. Take the time to teach someone a skill you know. This could be teaching your grandma to use email, teaching your child to ride a bike, teaching your co-worker a valuable computer skill, teaching your spouse how to clean the darn toilet. OK, that last one doesn’t count.
Comfort someone in grief. Often a hug, a helpful hand, a kind word, a listening ear, will go a long way when someone has lost a loved one or suffered some similar loss or tragedy.
Help them take action. If someone in grief seems to be lost and doesn’t know what to do, help them do something. It could be making funeral arrangements, it could be making a doctor’s appointment, it could be making phone calls. Don’t do it all yourself — let them take action too, because it helps in the healing process.
Buy food for a homeless person. Cash is often a bad idea if it’s going to be used for drugs, but buying a sandwich and chips or something like that is a good gesture. Be respectful and friendly.
Lend your ear. Often someone who is sad, depressed, angry, or frustrated just needs someone who will listen. Venting and talking through an issue is a huge help.
Help someone on the edge. If someone is suicidal, urge them to get help. If they don’t, call a suicide hotline or doctor yourself to get advice.
Help someone get active. A person in your life who wants to get healthy might need a helping hand — offer to go walking or running together, to join a gym together. Once they get started, it can have profound effects.
Do a chore. Something small or big, like cleaning up or washing a car or doing the dishes or cutting a lawn.
Give a massage. Only when appropriate of course. But a massage can go a long way to making someone feel better.
Send a nice email. Just a quick note telling someone how much you appreciate them, or how proud you are of them, or just saying thank you for something they did.
Show appreciation, publicly. Praising someone on a blog, in front of coworkers, in front of family, or in some other public way, is a great way to make them feel better about themselves.
Donate food. Clean out your cupboard of canned goods, or buy a couple bags of groceries, and donate them to a homeless shelter.
Just be there. When someone you know is in need, sometimes it’s just good to be there. Sit with them. Talk. Help out if you can.
Be patient. Sometimes people can have difficulty understanding things, or learning to do something right. Learn to be patient with them.
Tutor a child. This might be difficult to do today, but often parents can’t afford to hire a tutor for their child in need of help. Call a school and volunteer your tutoring services.
Create a care package. Soup, reading material, tea, chocolate … anything you think the person might need or enjoy. Good for someone who is sick or otherwise in need of a pick-me-up.
Lend your voice. Often the powerless, the homeless, the neglected in our world need someone to speak up for them. You don’t have to take on that cause by yourself, but join others in signing a petition, speaking up a a council meeting, writing letters, and otherwise making a need heard.
Offer to babysit. Sometimes parents need a break. If a friend or other loved one in your life doesn’t get that chance very often, call them and offer to babysit sometime. Set up an appointment. It can make a big difference.
Love. Simply finding ways to express your love to others, whether it be your partner, child, other family member, friend, co-worker, or a complete stranger … just express your love. A hug, a kind word, spending time, showing little kindnesses, being friendly … it all matters more than you know.
How far that little candle throws his beams!
So shines a good deed in a weary world. – William Shakespeare
Much ink has been spilled on the importance of communication in romantic relationships. For instance, the benefits of using “I statements”, the importance of talking about one’s feelings, or trying to avoid using accusing or criticizing language. All of the above are positive, and I promote their use wholeheartedly. But there is, however, a subtler element to communication that does not seem to benefit from as much attention. An ingredient so important that without it, ‘communication’ would simply be ‘speaking’. The key element is listening.
At first glance, listening appears rather simple, and we all do it, right? Sit back, relax, and just hear the words exiting your partner’s mouth. But such a description would likely suit ‘hearing’ better than listening. In reality, listening is more complex, and certainly more challenging. But the good news is that knowledge and practice can lead to a significant improvement in our ability to truly tune into one another, and the payoffs are plentiful.
Listening entails much more than merely hearing a partner’s spoken words. In a 2003 study on communication in relationships, researcher Faye Doell drew attention to a key distinction, namely the difference between listening to understand and listening to respond, concluding that the former led to greater relationship satisfaction. And this distinction highlights one of the central elements of listening: understanding. Here are five strategies to help you along in your quest to become better listeners and as a result, most likely better partners, (and while you’re at it, better parents, family members and friends…)
Don’t make it about you. How many times are we engaged in conversations and all we want to do is give our opinion? Fix things? Defend ourselves? Listening is mainly about the other. It is about putting your needs, your opinions, your hurts aside temporarily and creating space and attention for the other to speak, to laugh, to cry, to explore – to just be. By being supportive and encouraging of this space, we are creating safety and freedom for our partners, as if saying to them: “You can say and feel what you need to say and feel right now. I can create that space for you.” Putting your partner first can be hard, especially if what they’re talking about is triggering or hurtful. Keep in mind that you don’t need to agree with your partner, or even like what they have to say. But being in listening mode is not the time to share your side of the story. (Don’t worry, you’ll get your turn… see below.)
Tune into their world. If you need to, take the time to actively prepare yourself to tune into your partner’s world. This can look like a brief solo-pep talk, or even a grounding ritual that can help you clear out your own agenda and focus on the other. Immerse yourself in your partner, turning their words and non-verbals into a narrative of a movie or book of their experience.
Strive to understand. As the listener, your first responsibility is to try to understand the position or experience of the other. Therefore, if what you’re getting isn’t clear, then ask clarifying questions to get the full picture. Steer clear of judgment and opinion, (which tend to be more about you than about your partner) and instead focus more on expressing interest and curiosity. This is your partner after all – would you not want to acquire a greater understanding of what they’re experiencing? Learn more about what makes them tick? Discover how they’ve evolved? Beyond being supportive in listening, acquiring a more profound knowledge of your partner deepens intimacy – one of the greatest antidotes to relational strife.
Take turns. Take a few deep breaths if you need to, and keep in mind that it is crucial for both partners to get a shot at expressing themselves and be listened to. Your turn may not be in 5 minutes, it may not be until after your partner’s finished their part. In fact, if you don’t feel the need to share your part, you may not even need to take your turn… this time. But be sure to get your turn next time around, or when something comes up for you and you will feel the need to express yourself. It’s only fair that if you provide that support to your partner, that they return the favour. So hang tight.
Don’t try to fix. Validate instead. Although good intentions may underlie attempts to fix, it is best used when solicited, as fixing often overshadows a partner’s experience and fast-tracks the discussion to the solution stage. Bombarding the other with suggestions and recommendations may appear caring & helpful, but it can also be received as “how is it that you haven’t thought of this?” Ultimately, as social creatures, what we often need above all else is to be heard, to be held, and to know that we are not alone. And therefore, validating our partner’s experience can go very far in providing such supports.
When working with clients, it never ceases to amaze me how many relationships have benefitted by simply applying some of the techniques listed here. As discussed above, part of the reason for this is that we acquire a greater understanding of one another, which is extremely important. But there are two more critical benefits that listening provides, often hidden from view. For one, in itself, being listened to deeply is calming and it can act as a dependable stress-reliever. Second, and more importantly, recognizing that our partner can reliably listen to us and be there for us significantly improves trust, the granddaddy of all relationship needs. So much so that renowned couples’ clinician and researcher Dr. John Gottman reported that the most significant predictor of healthy long-term relationships is reflected by the feeling that “I can trust that you will be there for me if I need you”.
So go out there, get your partner. Sit them down and let them tell you about them.
Stephen Covey published The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People in 1989. For those of us who read it, it changed the way we interacted with others, with ourselves, and with how we strove to grow, and achieve balance in personal and professional lives. Decades later, I feel the weight today, perhaps more than ever, of how important these lessons remain. >MB
Studies show that moments of disruption offer a unique opportunity to set and achieve new goals.
Tara Parker-Pope, New York Times
If there was ever a perfect time to make a life change, this is it.
Behavioral scientists have long known that times of disruption and transition also create new opportunities for growth and change. Disruption can come in many forms, and it happens when life knocks us out of our normal routines. It can be moving to a new city, starting a new job, getting married or divorced or having a child. And for many of us, there’s never been a bigger life disruption than the pandemic, which changed how we work, eat, sleep and exercise, and even how we connect with friends and family.
“I think this fresh start is really a big opportunity,” said Katy Milkman, a professor at the Wharton School and author of the new book “How to Change: The Science of Getting From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. “I don’t know when we’ll have another one like it. We have this blank slate to work on. Everything is on the table to start fresh.”
Much of Dr. Milkman’s research has focused on the science of new beginnings, which she calls “the fresh start effect.” Dr. Milkman and her colleagues have found that we’re most inclined to make meaningful changes around “temporal landmarks” — those points in time that we naturally associate with a new beginning. New Year’s Day is the most obvious temporal landmark in our lives, but birthdays, the start of spring, the start of a new school year, even the beginning of the week or the first of the month are all temporal landmarks that create psychological opportunities for change.
In one study, Dr. Milkman found that students were most likely to visit the gym around the start of the week, the first of the month, following birthdays or after school breaks. Another study found that “fresh start language” helped people kick-start their goals. In that study, people were far more likely to start a new goal on a day labeled “the first day of spring” compared to an unremarkable day labeled “the third Thursday in March.” (It was the exact same day, just labeled differently.)
Another study found that when people were advised to start saving money in a few months, they were less likely to do so than a group of people told to start saving around their birthday that was also a few months away. The birthday group saved 20 to 30 percent more money.
Although the pandemic is far from over, for many people, the lifting of restrictions and getting vaccinated means planning vacations and returning to more-normal work and school routines. It’s exactly the kind of psychological new beginning that could prompt the fresh start effect, said Dr. Milkman.
“We have this opportunity with this blank slate to change our health habits and be very conscientious about our day,” said Dr. Milkman. “What is our lunch routine going to look like? What is our exercise routine? There’s an opportunity to rethink. What do we want a work day to look like?”
It’s Not Too Late to Reset.
As the pandemic recedes, some people are worried that the past year of lockdowns, restrictions and time at home was a missed opportunity. Leslie Scott, a nonprofit event organizer in Eugene, Ore., said she feels that she just muddled through a stressful year, rather than using the time to make meaningful life changes.
“I sometimes wonder if I squandered this gift of time,” said Ms. Scott, who is an organizer of the Oregon Truffle Festival. “I have all this anxiety that we’re just going to go back to what people think of as normal. As we come out of our cocoons, am I emerging from something and moving toward something new? Or am I just stuck?”
While some people did develop healthy new habits during pandemic lockdowns, it’s not too late if you spent your pandemic days just getting by. The good news is that the end of the pandemic is probably a more opportune time for meaningful change than when you were experiencing the heightened anxiety of lockdowns.
“Covid-19 was an awful time for many of us,” said Laurie Santos, a psychology professor at Yale who teaches a popular online course called “The Science of Well-Being.” “There’s lots of evidence for what’s called post-traumatic growth — that we can come out stronger and with a bit more meaning in our lives after going through negative events. I think we can all harness this awful pandemic time as a time to get some post-traumatic growth in our own lives.”
So What’s Your Next Chapter?
One of the biggest obstacles to change has always been the fact that we tend to have established routines that are hard to break. But the pandemic shattered many people’s routines, setting us up for a reset, Dr. Santos said.
“We’ve all just changed our routines so much,” she said. “I think many of us have realized during the pandemic that some of the things we were doing before Covid-19 weren’t the kind of things that were leading to flourishing in our lives. I think many of us were realizing that aspects of our work and family life and even our relationships probably need to change if we want to be happier.”
One reason fresh starts can be so effective is that humans tend to think about the passage of time in chapters or episodes, rather than on a continuum, Dr. Milkman said. As a result, we tend to think of the past in terms of unique periods, such as our high school years, the college years, the years we lived in a particular town or worked at a certain job. Going forward, we’re likely to look back on the pandemic year as a similarly unique chapter of our lives.
“We have chapter breaks, as if life is a novel — that is the way we mark time,” said Dr. Milkman. “That has implications for the psychology of fresh starts, because these moments that open a new chapter give us a sense of a new beginning. It’s easier to attribute any failings to ‘the old me.’ You feel like you can achieve more now, because we’re in a new chapter.”
Take the Fresh Start Challenge!
While the start of a new chapter is a great time for change, the pages will turn quickly. Now that we’re emerging from the restrictions of pandemic life, social scientists say it’s an ideal time to start thinking about what you’ve learned in the past year. What are the new habits you want to keep, and what parts of your prepandemic life do you want to change?
“It’s time to rethink your priorities,” said Dr. Milkman, who outlines more detailed steps for change in her new book. “We have to ask ourselves, ‘How am I going to schedule my time?’ We have a limited window to be deliberate about it, because pretty quickly, we’ll have a new pattern established, and we probably won’t rethink it again for a while.”
A good first step is to take our 10-Day Fresh Start Challenge. Each challenge will prompt moments of mindful reflection, help you build stronger connections and offer small steps toward building healthy new habits. You can find all 10 installments on The Fresh Start Challenge page.
“I think a lot of us have realized how fragile some of the things were that gave us joy before, from going to the grocery store, to going out to a restaurant with friends, going to a movie, giving your mom a hug whenever you’d like,” said Dr. Santos. “My hope is that we’ll emerge from this pandemic with a bit more appreciation for the little things in life.”
