People who ask more questions are better liked by their conversation partners, researchers say.
Many people I have known don’t ask lots of questions in social conversations. Its as if they don’t see the value or potential in attempting to learn something of their conversational partner beyond small time banter. I wonder if they are just self centered, and not really curious about anything or anyone. Personally, I go by the following mantras. 1) Be curious, or be dead; 2) Ask questions, or learn nothing.
For many of us, meeting new people can be an anxiety-inducing affair.
Am I talking too much? Was my handshake too weak? Did I make too much eye contact? Too little? Am I boring? Are they boring, but they’re boring because I’m boring?
It can be a mess! All of our worst social paranoias contained in a single interaction.
But there’s an easy way to get around this, simultaneously coming off as more likable while working to build a deeper, more genuine connection with someone: Ask questions.
A study published last year in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology analyzed getting-to-know-you conversations between platonic conversation partners, along with face-to-face speed-dating conversations, and found that in both settings “people who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.” (It even led to an increase in second dates among the speed-daters.)
Those follow-up questions, the study found, are especially helpful to increase how much we are liked because they show that we are listening sincerely and trying to show we care.
Imagine that! Being a genuine, sincere conversation partner makes people like you more. What a world.
Even more good news: Although people generally tend to reflect on an initial conversation with someone as a negative experience — like ruminating on those “Did I make enough eye contact?” type of questions — it’s thankfully all in our heads, according to a new study published in Psychological Science.
A team of researchers from Yale, Harvard, Cornell and the University of Essex found that after initial interactions “people systematically underestimated how much their conversation partners liked them and enjoyed their company.”
This is called the liking gap, or the difference between how much we think people like us and how much people actually like us.
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The study looked at how relationships evolved between new acquaintances and found that the anxiety and self-doubt of meeting someone new can pervade in any type of relationship, sometimes lasting for months.
“People are often biased by their own internal monologues, which, after social interactions, can be remarkably self-critical and negative,” the authors wrote. They added that people “tend to compare themselves unfavorably with their ideal version of themselves,” torturing themselves with worst-case scenarios and obsessing about how to make things better — even though there’s nothing to make better because it’s all in our heads.
“People can be their own greatest critic, but what is hard for people to see is that others do not have this same perspective on their faults,” the authors wrote.
The lesson: Remember that it’s all in your head. Simply having the knowledge that any self-doubt about an interaction with a new person is unwarranted is a powerful shift in the way we approach new connections. If you feel like someone dislikes you based on a single meeting, odds are that’s just not the case (and they’re probably thinking the same thing).
Just keep asking those questions, listening to the answers and being as genuine as possible. Yes, it’s that easy.
I still drink, but way less than I used to. I started gradually to move away from it some two years ago. I love a good red, but more than a glass is a rarity for me these days. Martinis? Mixed drinks? Beer? Love’em all, but I just get plastered so easily with two or more of anything, that, I started wondering, what am I doing this to myself for? I feel better without the levels I used to consume. Better 24/7.
I think the research and connections are coherent. The risk is there, and I think it is better to err on the side of caution all around. Alcohol is a toxin. Plain and simple.
Sooo, after you read the NIH guidelines, what this means is, almost every martini is going to count as two drinks, and, you can bet the farm that any glass of wine you pour yourself at home will count as two drinks. Read on and then ask yourself if you are considered a moderate or heavy drinker? Whaaahahahahaha! 😀 😀
According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, a standard alcoholic drink in the United States contains 14.0 grams (0.6 ounces) of pure alcohol. Generally, this amount of pure alcohol is found in
12 ounces of beer
8-9 ounces of malt liquor
5 ounces of wine
1.5 ounces, or a “shot,” of 80-proof distilled spirits (liquor)
These amounts are used by public health experts in developing health guidelines about alcohol consumption and to provide a way for people to compare the amounts of alcohol they consume. However, they may not reflect the typical serving sizes people may encounter in daily life.
According to the federal government’s Dietary Guidelines for Americans 2015-2020, individuals who do not drink alcohol should not start drinking for any reason. It recommends that if alcohol is consumed, it should be done in moderation and defines moderate alcohol drinking as up to one drink per day for women and up to two drinks per day for men. Heavy alcohol drinking is defined as having 4 or more drinks on any day or 8 or more drinks per week for women and 5 or more drinks on any day or 15 or more drinks per week for men. Binge drinking is defined as consuming 4 or more drinks for women and 5 or more drinks for men in one sitting (typically in about 2 hours).
Be genuine. Be interested. And stop hogging the conversation.
Don’t enter a conversation with the intent of leaving everyone in stitches, unless you’re a professional comedian.
Recognizing a person who practices conversation etiquette is often as simple as noticing just one or two things. They listen, and pay attention. Not so easy to find, and all the more reason it is so precious to meet those who do.
We all want to be charming, witty conversationalists who can work a room and give people the comfort that they’ve been truly listened to.
But how?
Jen Doll, friend of S.L. and one of my absolute favorite writers, wrote this guide that has everything you’ve ever wanted to know about being better at parties. In it is some of the wisest advice on being an engaged conversation partner you’ll find anywhere.
Being someone people enjoy talking with really boils down to being genuine and being genuinely interested. But that’s much easier said than done, so here are three concrete tips from Jen that will help you become a more engaged — and enjoyable — conversation partner.
1. Know the three tiers of conversations
Tier one is safe territory: sports, the weather, pop culture, local celebrities and any immediate shared experience.
Tier two is potentially controversial: religion, politics, dating and love lives. “Test the waters, and back away if they’re not interested,” one expert told Jen.
Tier three includes the most intimate topics: family, finance, health and work life. “Some people love to talk about what they do and their kids, but don’t ask a probing question until the door has been opened,” said Daniel Post Senning, an etiquette expert and the great-great-grandson of Emily Post.
Note also that while “So, what do you do?” is a pretty common and acceptable question in America, in Europe it’s as banal as watching paint dry. Instead, ask “What keeps you busy?”
Debra Fine, a speaker and the author of “The Fine Art of Small Talk,” has another basic rule: “Don’t ask a question that could put somebody in a bad spot: ‘Is your boyfriend here?’ ‘Did you get into that M.B.A. program?’” Instead try: “Catch me up on your life” or “What’s going on with work for you?”
2. Be more interested to be more interesting
Don’t enter a conversation with the intent of leaving everyone in stitches, unless perhaps you’re a professional comedian.
“If you just talk a lot you might get exhausted, but if you ask questions and listen and draw people out, they’ll think you’re a great conversationalist,” she said.
“For me it comes down to being aware that I should be more interested than I should be interesting,” said Akash Karia, a speaker and performance coach who has written books including “Small Talk Hacks: The People Skills & Communication Skills You Need to Talk to Anyone & Be Instantly Likeable.”
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He brought up a study in which two researchers from the psychology department at Harvard found that talking about yourself triggers the same pleasure sensation in the brain as food. “People would forgo money in order to talk about themselves,” he said. You can use this to your advantage simply by listening.
3. Don’t be a conversation hog
We’ve all been involved in those irritating conversations where we can never get a word in edgewise. Unfortunately, we may have been on the other side, too. Mr. Post Senning said it was crucial to “share the conversation pie. Share half if there are two of you, a quarter if there are four. The share of the pie is never as large as what involves you listening.”
To be a true conversation superstar, try these tips:
Be attentive and give eye contact.
Make active and engaged expressions.
Repeat back what you’ve heard, and follow up with questions.
If you notice something you want to say, don’t say it. Challenge it and go back to listening.
For bonus points, wait an hour to bring up that thing you didn’t say earlier.
And keep in mind that when you say something declarative, seek out the other person’s opinion as well.
“If I say, ‘The Jets don’t stand a chance,’ I’m entitled to my opinion, but I have to say, ‘What do you think?’ afterward,” Ms. Fine said. “You don’t want to be a conversational bully.”
What makes a storm a hurricane, a typhoon or a cyclone? It comes down to location. They all refer to tropical cyclones — low-pressure circular storm systems with winds greater than 74 miles per hour that form over warm waters — but different terms are used in different parts of the world.
The word “hurricane” is used for tropical cyclones that form in the North Atlantic, northeastern Pacific, the Caribbean Sea and the Gulf of Mexico. Typhoons are storms that develop in the northwestern Pacific and usually threaten Asia.
The international date line serves as the Pacific Ocean’s dividing marker, so when a hurricane crosses over it from east to west, it becomes a typhoon instead, and vice versa.
The same storms in the Southern Hemisphere are easier to keep straight. In the Bay of Bengal or Arabian Sea, both in the northern Indian Ocean, they are simply called “cyclones.” In the southern Indian Ocean and South Pacific, they are “tropical cyclones” or “severe tropical cyclones.”
All these storms exist to move heat energy from the tropics toward the poles, helping to regulate climate.
Seasonal differences for storms
Aside from having different names, hurricanes, typhoons and cyclones also have different seasons. This year’s Atlantic hurricane season officially runs from June 1 to Nov. 30. The Pacific season started slightly earlier. Typhoons can form year-round but are most common from May to October. The cyclone season in the South Pacific will begin on Nov. 1 and end on April 30.
In the southern Indian Ocean, the season begins two weeks later and ends at the same time except in Mauritius and the Seychelles, where it ends on May 15. Cyclones are concentrated from May to November in the northern Indian Ocean, which has no official season.
Whatever they’re called, tropical cyclones generally become weaker after they arrive on land, since they draw their energy from the evaporation of water in the oceans below them. But they can make it quite far past the coast and wreak havoc through wind damage, torrential rains, flooding and storm surges.
Tropical cyclones around the world are named according to a list maintained by the World Meteorological Organization. The names of the deadliest storms, like Typhoon Haiyan or Hurricane Katrina, are retired.
Grading a storm’s intensity
Hurricanes are categorized 1 to 5 according to the Saffir-Simpson scale, which is based on wind speed. According to the National Hurricane Center, storms in Category 3 or higher, which have wind speeds of at least 111 miles per hour, “are considered major hurricanes because of their potential for significant loss of life and damage.” (Florence was a Category 4 as of early Wednesday.)
Typhoons are monitored by the Japan Meteorological Agency, which classifies them as “typhoon,” “very strong typhoon” or “violent typhoon,” depending on sustained wind speeds. Storms with wind speeds of less than 74 miles per hour are labeled “tropical depressions,” “tropical storms” or “severe tropical storms.”
The Joint Typhoon Warning Center, a United States military command in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, also issues storm advisories using the designations “tropical depression,” “tropical storm,” “typhoon” and “super typhoon.”
Typhoon Jebi, which killed 11 people in Japan, was this season’s third super typhoon, meaning a typhoon with sustained surface winds of at least 150 miles per hour. It is the equivalent of a Category 4 or 5 hurricane in the Atlantic. This week, Southeast Asia and southern China are bracing for Super Typhoon Mangkhut.
Cyclones in the Indian Ocean are classified according to two intensity scales depending on where they are, with names like “very intense tropical cyclone” and “super cyclonic storm.” Australia rates cyclones from categories 1 to 5.
So why the three different words? Storm terminology has been highly influenced by the histories and cultural interactions of different regions. “Hurricane” appeared in English in the 16th century as an adaptation of the Spanish “huracán.” “Typhoon” is variously described as coming from Arabic (“tafa”) or Chinese (“taifeng”), perhaps both. “Cyclone” was coined in the late 18th century by a British official in India, from the Greek for “moving in a circle.”
But a storm by any other name should still be taken seriously.
A disgusting man who is stealing money or withholding it from government funds that should be helping people, not serving political purposes or lining one’s pockets.
Central American migrants at the border in Tijuana. The money from the Trump administration will help Mexico increase deportations of Central Americans.
Via NYTimes, Gardiner Harris and Julie Hirschfeld Davis
Sept. 12, 2018
WASHINGTON — President Trump has promised for years that Mexico would pay for a vast border wall, a demand that country has steadfastly refused. Now, in the Trump administration’s campaign to stop illegal immigration, the United States plans instead to pay Mexico.
In a recent notice sent to Congress, the administration said it intended to take $20 million in foreign assistance funds and use it to help Mexico pay plane and bus fare to deport as many as 17,000 people who are in that country illegally.
The money will help increase deportations of Central Americans, many of whom pass through Mexico to get to the American border. Any unauthorized immigrant in Mexico who is a known or suspected terrorist will also be deported under the program, according to the notification, although such people are few in number.
Katie Waldman, a spokeswoman for the Department of Homeland Security, said the program was intended to help relieve immigration flows at the United States border with Mexico.
“We are working closely with our Mexican counterparts to confront rising border apprehension numbers — specifically, a 38 percent increase in families this month alone — directly and to ensure that those with legitimate claims have access to appropriate protections,” Ms. Waldman said. A spokesman for the Mexican Embassy did not immediately respond Wednesday to a request for comment.
The plan, which has been debated internally for months, is part of a broader push by the Trump administration to redirect billions in foreign assistance to other priorities. The administration has yet to spend nearly $3 billion in foreign aid, money allocated last year by Congress with broad bipartisan support. Hundreds of millions of dollars meant to help stabilize Syria and support Palestinian schools and hospitals has already been redirected.
While the administration has made several announcements about not spending on priorities Congress intended, it has mostly kept quiet about what it will do with the money. But it has long been frustrated that Congress provides billions for foreign aid while refusing to fund its immigration priorities. The money will be transferred from the State Department to the Department of Homeland Security, and then sent to Mexico.
“Congress intended for this money to lift up communities dealing with crime, corruption and so many other challenges, not to expand this administration’s deportation crusade,” said Representative Eliot L. Engel of New York, the top Democrat on the House Foreign Affairs Committee. “I want answers about why the State Department thinks it can ignore Congress and dump more cash into deportation efforts. Until then, I’ll do whatever I can to stop this.
The maneuver is the latest by the administration to reduce the number of immigrants crossing the southwestern border. The most prominent piece of the effort has been the “zero tolerance” policy to criminally prosecute any immigrant who enters the country without authorization. That led to the widely criticized practice of separating children from their parents at the border, which spurred a humanitarian and political crisis for Mr. Trump.
But the president’s advisers have also employed other strategies to deter immigrants, including revamping the rules surrounding who can qualify for asylum and trying to strike an agreement with Mexico that would disqualify any migrant who had not sought asylum there from claiming it in the United States.
Under the program, Mexico would be responsible for detaining and providing judicial review of immigrants before deporting them. The sometimes cumbersome and lengthy legal process in the United States to deport asylum seekers has long frustrated Mr. Trump, who has often said the laws must be changed to speed deportations. Getting Mexico to do deportations instead would bypass that process.
Immigrant advocacy groups called the deportation aid for Mexico a misguided and wasteful use of money that would fail to address the problems prompting migrants to travel to Mexico and the United States in the first place.
“We shouldn’t be paying another country to do our dirty work; we should actually be fixing our immigration system and helping these countries get back on solid footing,” said Ali Noorani, the executive director of the National Immigration Forum. “It smacks of desperation.”
